MARIELEPHANT

some of JSB getting ready to leave for the party.

v for vendetta, chinese deliveryman, batgirl, catwoman, baller, prep/harry potter/robin, chola, wrangler guy, and world’s greatest dad!

miron & ernie aka james.

thanks for throwing a great party, sn00ki!

“call me mercedes.” - renee

lb, me, katrina, kelsey, and april.

$ for $tep

$ for $ales

more coming up!

Despite popular belief that the past is the past, it can STILL affect your future. Unfortunately.

I hate the feeling of being stuck. I need to be doing big things now.

i know what i deserve and what i am capable of, but lately i’ve been getting complacent with life. everything’s JUST alright. it could always be better. i hate being complacent because i feel like i’m settling for less. no one wants mediocre, but that’s what i am. i have a lot of work to do. 

i guess i’m just not working hard enough? 

i’ll pay you 500 bucks for it. 

I feel compelled to knock off at least one thing from the list to lift a little weight off my shoulders. But the hard part is knowing where to begin. You’re left there just looking at the list, thinking about it, and looking at it again. Then stress and anxiety begins to build up as time passes by. Ugh, that’s how I felt a couple of minutes ago until I decided to breathe, suck it up, and type away whatever popped into my head. I instantly felt a sense of relief due to the simple fact that I was doing something physically instead of thinking or worrying about it. Now, I can go to sleep.

i cherish my alone time, and i’m in no rush to change that. you learn the most on your own, and that is exactly what i’m doing.

that’s what my ex told me sometime last year, and you have no idea how bad it made me feel. after he said that i stopped going online for a week. (lousy attempt, but hey, i didn’t have to do that!)  and these past few days made me realize why i love the internet so much. whenever i get the chance to sit down, nothing beats bumming in bed, bumping beats, and eating a bowl of special k. with that said, it’s amazing to see the power of an email. you never know the answer until you ask, and you may be surprised to see what their respond is. it’s also mind-blowing to see how much inspiration floats around the world wide web from fashion, art, music, writing blogs to various clothing sites and social networking sites. you find one thing and it leads you to another. before you know it, you’ve been surfing online for two hours in one sitting. (of course, this can be a huge distraction when you should be doing homework.) i’m sorry if you’re not a fan of the internet, but it’s positively affected my life from finding opportunities to a way of expressing myself. just saying.

as much as i want to forgive you and feel your pain, i just can’t due to the fact that you brought this mess upon yourself. you took your life for granted, acted selfish, and look what happened. you and your family are in a hole so deep, it seems impossible to get out of, and i mean that in a realist point of view. to be honest, i hate seeing you so distressed especially when you should be getting ready to retire and enjoy life. instead, you’re forced to work long hours to provide for your four children. what irritates me is why now? why couldn’t you put our NEEDS before your desires? i can’t even imagine what must run through your mind before you sleep. these past few months have definitely been putting a lot of things into perspective. long story short, prioritize and always prepare yourself for the worst because you’ll never know when life decides to fuck you over. nothing’s more terrifying than realizing it’s too late to go back in time and do the things you should’ve and could’ve.

god, it sucks not being able to trust your own family.

i can’t take this shit anymore. i can’t rely on you anymore because every single time you let me down. every single time. it’s not just about the actual physical thing, it’s the principle of being responsible, punctual, and reliable. it’s funny how sometimes the children can be more of the parent than the actual parents, huh? 

as an adult, i hate how you think i’m ignorant to what’s really going on. there’s no need to hide behind a facade. you’re only fooling yourself. i know what’s the catalyst of this choke hold we’re in, but you won’t admit it. first you must admit it in order to destroy what’s destroying you.

not only is it destroying you, but it’s destroying me as well. all this built up stress has been getting to me. whenever you ask me a simple question, i become a monster. every single vein in my body starts to tense up right before the point they’re about to explode. in my mind, i don’t mean to snap at every question, but my subconscious simply takes over because of how much pain that’s built up inside of me. after that anger’s been released through my delivery of words, i tend to feel ashamed in myself because it’s unnecessary, but you just stand there and take it like a guilty suspect. shouldn’t you take this as a wake up call?  and, whenever you ask me why i isolate myself in my room, call me selfish, but it’s because i don’t want to constantly feed off of the negative environment in this place so-called, “home.”