Ever since I ended my internship two weeks ago, I’ve been going through some major city withdrawals. I’ve come to realize that the city has all the resources I need. Being in the suburbs feels so restricting and limited. I can’t wait to go back to the place where opportunities are met and dreams are fulfilled. But maybe I’m stuck here because everything happens for a reason. Whenever I tell people I had an internship people would say, “you’re so lucky.” When I hear that, I can’t help but cringe because what’s the use of finding an opportunity that you’re not even prepared for? If you aren’t cut for it, it’s best to pass on it than to embarrass yourself. Excited about this opportunity, I accepted the unpaid internship not thinking about how I was going to finance the $25 round-trip commute to the city twice a week. Even though I put up with the expenses for three months, it got to the point where I didn’t even think this opportunity was worth it. I felt so unmotivated and unfortunate, so I had to withdrew my position. After eating lunch with my successful uncle last week, a question was brought up: what exactly is “luck?” After learning about my uncle’s experiences, luck had a totally different meaning. Despite popular belief, it’s not because of the people you know. It’s not because something goes right without prior planning. Instead, true luck when preparation meets opportunity. Perhaps instead of sitting here, waiting, and wasting my time in Old Bridge, I should really take advantage of this hiatus from the city to prepare for future opportunities.
some people are just fucked up. don’t flirt with me if you’re doing the same thing with someone else. don’t ask me to hang out after you’re done hanging out with “your friend” that’s actually your “girl.” don’t expect me to talk to you after you hurt me. don’t expect me to look at you in the same light after either. because i sure as hell don’t deserve this. i have other problems and priorities to take care of that i find this merely an insignificant matter to be dwelling on. it just serves as a reminder of why i should not trust anyone.
if it wasn’t for my heart, i wouldn’t be where i am right now. this year has been the most different year by far, and it isn’t even over yet. in a nut shell, things that i never thought would happen to me, happened. but how else am i supposed to learn? better now than later right? and i’d like to thank my break-up for being the catalyst of the crazy chain of events that occurred these past seven months. relationships and break-ups are learning experiences, no matter how good or bad they are. in my case, after getting myself in a long serious relationship at a very young age, i felt like i was not myself. maybe because i still didn’t find it. i felt like the whole time i was trying fit a perfect mold so that i wouldn’t lose my first love. there was just much pressure to be perfect for him that i started to neglect myself. that was my poor and naiive mentality until i realized the scary truth that you can experience the same feelings associated with love with another person, and your past lover simply becomes a memory. it can either be a memory that brings you misery or optimism, depending on your attitude towards letting go and moving on. for me, closing that chapter and leaving it behind only opened many more doors. being alone has never felt so liberating. if i was still in a relationship (with him), i wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do any of the things i experienced. it’s mostly because there is no longer another person to consider when making decisions. there’s no one there to tell me what to do or make me feel bad about MY decisions. yes, i’m probably sounding selfish right now, but i’m young. it’s okay. after all you can’t love someone until you love yourself, and that is exactly what i’m trying to do - to love myself by doing things i love and surrounding myself with good people who are open-minded and kind-hearted. without them, i probably would’ve caught myself dwelling on the past more. basically, if life fucks you over, you gotta roll with it. take risks and live life with no regret. you’d be amaze where it’ll take you.
- go to a concert - mgmt at borgata (if my mom can get free tickets) or electric zoo
- trim the fat
- get nose pierced
- go down to Virginia to visit the homies
- find a new job
- go shopping for my favorite season - fall
- throw a party?
- go to the beach at night
- sell ipad and camera
- get a canon t2i OR as @telosomega said a 5d or 7d… and a wide angle lens
- get my own car
If they don’t ever put in the effort to talk to you first, then they don’t want you enough.
it’s easier to lay here and poison your mind with thoughts than to get up on your feet and move on.
I hate how I let insignificant things occupy my mind like a parasite. Insecurities start lashing out, and before I know it, I’m digging myself deeper and deeper in a hole. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. I sit here and and pick out the things lacking in my life, and I’m always mapping out ways to find them. Always searching, but never satisfied. Is it because I don’t want to settle? This lifestyle of trying to find substance in everything is getting tiring. I can feel it in my body, but my mind won’t stop. There’s a knot of pain and negativity stuck in my chest trying to escape. I just want to release this negativity in a conversation, but I don’t want to come off as rude, disrespectful, or desperate. I’m guess I’m just tired of regarding others so highly only to find out that I am nothing to them.
After 7 months of being single, I think I’m finally starting to find myself. Along with finding myself, I’m starting to become into a more confident individual. Insecure thoughts still creep from time to time, but it’s a constant work of progress to be comfortable with yourself.
first of all, thanks for taking the time to read my tumblr. : ) but yeah, that’s pretty funny. i find it really interesting when you find people you’ve never met on here who share similar thoughts. that’s why tumblr/blogs are different from any other social networking sites.
hahaha, you just made my night!
sometimes i hate the little steps in between. can i just fast forward to the end result?
Recently, my dad has been struggling to get our financial status back on track, and after many months of saying, “I have no money,” to even having to withdraw me from school, the day has finally arrived where my dad can support the family again. The only thing is that he’ll be away from the family and all the way on the other side of the world - the Philippines.
My dad is the epitome of sacrifice. He works long hours, seven days a week, even when he’s suffering from illness. He just never takes a day off. It’s because he truly cares about his family, and everything he does is to ensure we’re all living the best life we can. It’s mind-boggling how my parents established everything from absolutely nothing. My parents had nothing but each other when they first moved here from the Philippines about 20 years ago. When they had me, we moved to a tiny apartment in Queens, where we lived a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle yet they still bought me expensive shoes and showered me with toys. Looking back at that truly shows how much my parents love me and my siblings.
My parents are also finally starting to grasp the fact that art is my passion, and the medical field isn’t. Lately, they’ve been complimenting the little drawings I’ve been doing on myself, and my dad even suggested me to become a tattoo artist! (Haha, I never thought he’d say such a thing, but I am now considering it. Just gotta practice drawing everyday.) With that said, they’re letting me attend FIT in the city this spring (since it’s too late for fall admission) to do what I love. Nothing feels better than having their support. They finally believe in me and my potential as an artist despite the horrible economy. Believe me, I’m scared about the future of our economy, but that’s not going to stop me from following my dreams. And my main motivation is my father. Since he’s letting me take the risk of pursuing an unconventional career path, I want to prove to him that I can make it. I will not let this opportunity go to waste.
I am just truly grateful for everything my dad has done for the family, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint him. I owe him my life, literally.