MARIELEPHANT

last night i visited my bff corey at FIT. checked out his art work at the FIT exhibit. ate chinese and enjoyed complimentary wine at the cottage on 79th and amsterdam. only in nyc you’ll be served free carafes of franzia without carding. a simple “are you over 21?” was asked, and we drank away with sesame chicken, curry chicken, and shrimp in lobster sauce as our entrees. after dinner, we stopped by toys r’ us in times square, grabbed candy and 40’s at a corner store, and ended the night watching a horrible japanese film, battle royale, at corey’s dorm. it was about students being brought to a deserted island, and they have to kill each other for survival. sounded like a good movie, but no, it was dumb. i nearly fell asleep when there were 20 kids yet to die. i knocked out at around midnight since i had to get up at 7 to return to nj only to have urban cut my shift from 10 am to 2 pm. so now, i’m at the library - not being a good student. anyways, as short as my trip was, last night was a much needed breath of fresh air, and i’m so grateful to have friends who i have not seen in months, but when reunited, it’s like nothing ever changed.

pictures later!

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i hate to complain, especially when i know things could be way worse, but it feels like getting by each day becomes harder and harder. same shit, different day. i honestly want a day where everything is perfect. perfect weather. good company. good food. no worries. in other words, i’m currently lusting a get-away. but why can’t every aspect of my life ever be equally amazing without escaping? life is all about balance, so i guess you need the lows to appreciate what you have. but there are days when i question why is being happy so much to ask for? what is the true meaning of happiness? sure, i feel “happy”, and i know what makes me feel happy, but when i say “i’m happy”, am i feeling the full effect or just a variation of such a word? i guess it depends. maybe it’s about acceptance. instead of fixating on the nonexistent idea of perfecting everything in your life and adding unnecessary stress, accept it for what it is and see imperfections as perfection. however, accepting can also provoke our human nature to not settle for mediocrity, and the cycle of analyzing how to make it better continues. all i know is that our definition of happiness changes overtime to the point where it seems impossible to attain. after being sucked in a dark abyss of harsh truths, negative thoughts, and fears for so long, it’s become the norm for many of us. when we were young, we were oblivious to how much work it is to survive, but once you get a taste of rock bottom, that’s when you actually live. we realize that happiness comes and goes, and sadness will always be there. i wouldn’t have it any other way because after all, happiness, stability, perfection are all boring.

It sucks being surrounded by people yet feeling lonely. Maybe I just haven’t been myself lately.

lately, it’s been harder and harder to be on track. i’m losing sight of goals and tasks that need to be done. i’m somewhat lost and yearning for guidance. it’s come to the point where i feel like the thought of being alone in this cold world is too overwhelming. you see, for the past few years i’ve had this mentality that i can do and control everything on my own. i still think that i can, but currently i’m at a crossroad. recent events have got me questioning my own strength, and i can’t seem to find any other reason than to blame a higher power, a god, up there. and whoever he is, i’ve been praying and thanking him. however, i am kind of angry at myself that fear is what lead me to this belief, but i was tired of living in fear. maybe i was thrown in all of these unfortunate events so that i can overcome them and build a better life. although this idea of having a god present in my life is still somewhat new to me (not that i was an atheist, but i barely acknowledged him), it’s quite relieving. 

It’s crazy how my mood just did a 360 after hearing the news. Even though I’ve never met her in person, the few times we did exchange words, she’d always put a smile on my face and knowing that she’s gone definitely hit me hard. It is no doubt that she touched many lives near and far, including mine. She was such a young, beautiful, inspirational woman, and it’s not fair that she was at the wrong place, wrong time. My prayers go out to her, her family, and her friends.

Rest in Peace, Junethea. 

While everyone’s sleeping, I’m thinking of ways to get ahead.

Life’s never going to be perfect, but I still manage to enjoy it.