type. backspace. type. pause. type. backspace. type. backspace.
when my thoughts overpower how physically tired i am. on top of that, i have to wake up for work in an hour, and i haven’t had one minute of shut eye yet. i just keep rolling around, reminiscing, and imagining things that may never even happen (because that’s how it always is). i’m probably not even making sense.
great, the sky’s getting lighter and birds are chirping louder.
it’ll all be worth it in the end.
The worst thing I ever did was allow someone to keep me from living my life. Whether in the form of a memory, a letter, an album, these things did well to anchor me down. It’s funny, you know, how we easily convince ourselves that a person can have that much control of our lives. Given that I was young—young and fragile in the mind at least—a broken heart, losing someone, or feeling like I couldn’t stop people from leaving my life, were enough to make me painfully different. I became shy, like a turtle retreating back into its shell—I was scared.
Then one day you’re just being you. You could be taking out the trash, going out for a walk around the park, or even reading a book in the confines of a quiet place, and it hits you that there’s no need to be scared, and sometimes it’s okay to let go if it allows you to grow, be strong, be stronger. And things are never perfect yet we can aspire for something better; I know, because I began to believe it was more progressive for me to dream than to mope.
It’s not worth holding onto phantoms and comfortable familiarity. It’s better to live and to find a means of coping with the world, than to wonder why things never work out. I honestly don’t know why things don’t work out, but I cannot allow myself to be weak over people who can’t treat me the way I want them to, or people who don’t care, or people who just get up and leave without notice. Sometimes you just have to let people go and let them be their own. And if they ever come back, then with great euphoria: I’ll smile. But even if I end up chasing different paths and dreams, meet faces I never saw coming, even then I’ll smile. I just finally need to liberate myself, my habitual acts of reservation, and my temptations to withdraw when I feel the most petty things are too much. There is more to life than simply sitting around and acting as though someone will one day knock on your door and pick you up from the rubble. Sometimes you’re going to have to do that on your own, and sometimes that’s perfectly fine. Especially with so much ahead, in the abundance of opportunity there is promise of better, so long as we keep our heads up and empower ourselves through our own self-motivations.
These days it’s hard not to question whether others’ intentions are genuine or malicious. I’ve developed this mindset where I believe that humans only look out for their own best interest. Therefore, trust no one.
Finals week made me realize that college doesn’t make you dumber, just lazier. I remember being in high school and getting A’s without doing work. Those days no longer exist because in college, you only have that class once or twice a week. The rest of the days, you’re responsible to complete the work. While in high school, I had the same classes every day, which means material was being reviewed constantly aka you’re babied. For the longest time, I was thinking I was just becoming dumber, but in reality, I was just not putting in the work. This past week, I crammed an entire semester’s worth of knowledge a couple hours a day and found myself understanding the material after thoroughly studying and practicing it. Then I think to myself, why didn’t I just stay diligent since the beginning so I wouldn’t have so much pressure come exams time? As much as I like to think I’ll get the same results cramming, I know if I didn’t, I’d do so much better. Your grades in college don’t reflect your intelligence, rather how much work you put in. Lesson learned - everything in life is earned, and it’s amazing how much you can accomplish if you keep pushing yourself.
When a man is about to lose the one he loves, that’s when he realizes all of his regrets.
Everyone who doesn’t believe in me just motivates me even more. I want to surprise people. I know what I’m capable of doing. Just watch me.
Since I’m finally done with all of my legal shit (thank god I beat the case) I’ve noticed a huge weight off of my shoulders. I see myself turning back into the funny, shit talker that I am. I must say, it’s nice to laugh again. The fact that I’m not burdened with a stressful situation, the fact that I’ve been reading more and the fact that new people have entered my life totally makes me happy and motivated again. It’s encouraging to know that tomorrow always offers a better day. So, wake up and smell the coffee; enjoy the spam and eggs on the stove. Just live, catch your dreams and always embrace the simple things that cross your path. The world has so much to offer; once you find what truly makes you happy; you will have so much to offer the world. Go get ‘em!